In our interpersonal relationships, no one should feel bad. This especially should not become a prolonged, recurring feeling that leaves someone in a situation where they see no way out. This conclusion emerged as dominant after discussions with children in higher grades of primary schools in the Zagreb area.
A representative sample of students, divided into two groups, affirmative and negative, was presented with theses that characterized mutual behavior and communication. The students were encouraged to reflect, form critical opinions, express their views, and listen to others. The ensuing debate revealed their strong awareness of unfair, selfish, and violent behaviors, as well as the forms and methods of such conduct.
Peer violence affects children in various ways. Victims often feel fear, shame, and helplessness. They may develop a need for isolation, suffer from low self-esteem, and, over time, experience intensifying anxiety and depression. This can lead them to feel invisible and misunderstood, especially if no adult recognizes their problem or takes its seriousness into account. The aggressor, meanwhile, has their own reasons for such behavior. It may stem from insecurity, a desire for dominance or attention, or even personal traumatic experiences. In such cases, the child channels their frustrations through violence. Another dimension of this issue is its impact on bystanders, children who witness peer violence. Witnessing such acts can evoke feelings of guilt, whether due to inaction or fear of becoming the next victim if they intervene.
No one wants to be a victim, students conclude clearly. Being a victim is an unpleasant experience, and it’s not easy to escape such a situation once it happens. If left unresolved, these feelings intensify, becoming a heavy burden to carry. But how can we determine the line between everyday teasing and actual violence? This question led to the emergence of the first thesis in the discussion: “friendly violence”. The idea was introduced with the explanation that friends should tolerate a bit more from one another. Some students argued that pushing, tugging, and teasing among friends are acceptable, seeing them as forms of communication. However, others strongly disagreed, stressing that friends should not behave this way, as it forces the recipient to remain constantly on guard. Additionally, the targeted person is often expected not to complain. Even if they request the behavior to stop, they are frequently dismissed as being overly sensitive and told they need to toughen up. In concluding the debate on this thesis, students agreed that such behaviors are not appropriate forms of communication. They emphasized that if someone expresses discomfort with these actions, it is essential to stop immediately.
The conversation advanced with students sharing situations where they felt the behavior directed at them had crossed the boundaries of respect, understanding, kindness, and decency. This raised a pivotal question: what should be done in such situations? Should the behavior be reported to parents, teachers, school authorities, or pedagogical institutions, or is it better to remain silent, hoping the situation resolves itself? We won’t solve the problem by tattling, one group of students argued. They explained that reporting such incidents would only signal a lack of strength and self-respect, suggesting that they were relying on others to fight their battles for them, which could lead to further bullying. They also criticized institutional responses as being too weak and slow. Involving parents and authorities, they reasoned, would prolong the process and increase the pressure on everyone involved. This group introduced a new thesis: „Violence should be met with violence“ as the only way to stand up for oneself. According to their perspective, relying on others for intervention hinders the development of independence and problem-solving skills. They argued that a bully would only reflect on their behavior when they experienced the same treatment, as it would make them uncomfortable. This, they claimed, would earn respect. In contrast, another group of students strongly opposed this view, asserting that violence cannot lead to peace or resolution. Instead, they argued, escalating violence would only amplify harm over time, creating far-reaching consequences for everyone involved, not just the victim and the bully but also bystanders. They noted that in the end, adults and responsible authorities would still need to intervene. However, by then, the situation would have deteriorated, making resolution far more difficult for all parties. This group concluded that any act of violence, whether experienced personally or witnessed, should be reported immediately to responsible adults or authorities. Suppressing anger or remaining silent, they cautioned, can lead to an accumulation of negative emotions, frustrations, and, in some cases, a desire for revenge. These unresolved feelings can poison a person’s daily life and potentially lead to even greater violence, whether directed at oneself or others. The students closed their discussion with a new thesis: “Depression caused by peer violence can lead to self-harm.”
Some students argued that a certain level of violence is an inherent part of life, and we must learn to live with it. They suggested that professional therapies can help us cope, as life is never easy. Today, various types of psychological therapies are a normal part of life and help us improve our relationships, this group stated. However, this raised an important question: What do our relationships say about us if we require therapy and medication to recover and heal from them? Therapies are not the solution, another group concluded. While they might provide some relief, they cannot completely erase the lingering effects of violence. Relationships that make us unhappy and negatively impact our mental health reflect a lack of mutual understanding, empathy, and an inclination to judge others while perceiving ourselves as superior or more righteous.
When asked about the criteria by which we consider ourselves better than others, students cited academic success and higher grades as significant factors. This notion also extended to self-confidence, which, they noted, sometimes lacks a solid foundation. Instead, it is often based on self-perceptions of being exceptional individuals, whether due to humor, fearlessness, or projecting a “tough” demeanor. Additionally, they observed that anyone who doesn’t want to be teased is expected to act contrary to their feelings. In other words, they should avoid showing or expressing that such behavior bothers them and instead pretend it doesn’t affect them. Reporting such issues to adults or professionals, often dismissed as “tattling“, was considered counterproductive. Students argued that it wouldn’t lead to improvements or stop the violence but would likely make the situation worse. Tattling is a weakness, they concluded.
During the discussion, students addressed various forms of violence, including the posting of others’ photographs on social media without their consent. Some students argued that there is nothing inherently wrong with sharing a photo, provided it is not accompanied by offensive captions. However, a significant number of students disagreed, asserting that even the act of posting a photo without permission is problematic and highlighting the importance of asking for consent before sharing such content.
The discussion’s conclusion revealed, first and foremost, that students do not know each other well. Despite spending years in the same class or being part of the same generation and interacting during school activities, they noted that they are only truly familiar with a few peers with whom they have established closer, trust-based relationships. The majority of their classmates, however, remain relatively unknown to them. All participants agreed that peer violence exists and recognized it as an important issue that is not sufficiently discussed. They emphasized the need to involve all children in these conversations and to genuinely listen to what they have to say. We enjoy expressing our opinions, but there are far too few opportunities where we are asked to share them, they remarked, contrasting this with the many instances where they are expected to simply listen to adults. Peer violence directly concerns children. Among us are both victims and aggressors, which makes it essential for us to actively participate in discussions about our experiences, they stressed.
Peer violence often occurs over “silly” things, and adults sometimes don’t understand this. There are situations where no solution can be found, but it is important to talk about them, one of the conclusions was. We need to do everything we can to prevent violent situations before they happen, and conversations with children from an early age are the best way to achieve this, emphasized another student. The topic of peer violence is important because it often appears among children in schools. Students should be included in discussions on this subject to better understand different viewpoints and learn more about the forms of violent behavior toward others, said a third student. They also mentioned that not enough attention is paid to quiet and withdrawn students, as there are likely reasons for their withdrawal. Violence leaves lasting consequences, and there are no “good” forms of violence. No one should have to go through it because we are all special in our own way, they concluded.
The publication of this text was supported by the Electronic Media Agency as part of the program to encourage journalistic excellence
